I still remember clearly. Particularly vivid are those moments before even the OB office’s technologist realized there was a problem. As she continued to move the probe looking for a heart beat I watched the realization dawn on her face. I looked to my beautiful bride my heart aching, knowing it would be only moments before the joy of motherhood would be replaced with the pain of loss. What was supposed to be, was not. There had been miscarriages before, but this was different. We had seen him, watched him move. She had been sick for 3 months. This was all supposed to end with a baby in our arms. The grief and anger was a dull roar in my ears. As the tech put down the probe and said, “I am going to get the doctor”, Allana looked at me and saw the tears welling in my eyes and her world crashed down.
Twelve years later, 7 more losses, a move into full-time ministry, a miraculous birth and walk through cancer, and I still remember those moments. I remember the silent heartbeat. 2000ish years ago a group of men scattered through Jerusalem. What was supposed to be, was not. A few stayed close, one failing (as foretold by Jesus) in his grief and despair as he realized the likely outcome of events. Another clung to caring for a shattered mother, bringing her to the base of the cross to bid farewell to her son. I can imagine the dull roar of grief and anger echoing in their ears. The end of the messiah, was not as it should be. The heartbeat of the savior of the world was silent.
The days that followed the shattering moment, the silent heartbeat, are taken up with the business of death. Preparation for burial and burial. The well-meaning words of friends and family, some kind some judgmental. The Monday morning quarterbacks try to parse what went wrong. We cloister ourselves, not wanting to be pointed out as that couple, not wanting to be pointed out as the followers of that man. Even now the silent heartbeat is loud in our ears.
Then everything changes.
11 Now Mary stood outside the tomb crying. As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb 12 and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus’ body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot. 13 They asked her, “Woman, why are you crying?” “They have taken my Lord away,” she said, “and I don’t know where they have put him.” 14 At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus. 15 He asked her, “Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?”Thinking he was the gardener, she said, “Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.” 16 Jesus said to her, “Mary.”She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, “Rabboni!” (which means “Teacher”). 17 Jesus said, “Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet ascended to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am ascending to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’ ” 18 Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: “I have seen the Lord!” And she told them that he had said these things to her. John 20:11-18
Here is where our stories converge. The truth of the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ brought a new ending both to those shattered followers 2000 hears ago and to grieving parents just 12 years ago. The reality of a living savior and the guidance of the Holy Spirit set a group of men and women on a path to what was always to be as defined by an omniscient, almighty God. The same savior, the same Spirit and the same God brought truth and light to the silent heartbeat for Allana and I, setting us on a path to healing and to service. The way continued to be full of pitfalls, disappointments and most importantly maturing faith. The silent heartbeat will be with us forever, however now even in the remembered grief and pain it is a sound full of hope and promise.
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